The Sparrow

heath flew out to london yesterday evening. he took reese and maddox with him. this time his trip does not include suits and ties, meetings or business deals. instead, he is there for one reason alone. an interview. and not for himself. for two barely 5 year old kids. it's silly, i know. it's a trip that we've scheduled to do a few times and had to cancel for other reasons but had to be done regardless. so, last night as they pulled out of the driveway, i stood with my not so new daughter and my very sad and not so understanding 3 year old. zane just couldn't understand why his older brother and sister were able to go on a plane, on a trip to london, without him. i tried to console him by loading him in the car and getting chicken nuggets and ice cream. it seemed to take his mind off of the situation jut a bit.

last night, i couldn't get over how quiet the house felt without the other two. i didn't hear "mommy, mommy, mom, mama, mommy" every other second. i had a chance to think a bit more for myself and not nearly as many questions to answer. it was weird to be in the house with two now and not four. i had time to hear zane. he has a lot to say, i realized tonight that he knows his letters, not all of them, but some. how did i miss that? how did i not know? i also realized how big his vocabulary has gotten. not freakishly big, it's normal for a three year old, but i've not noticed.

i was able to read to echo and zane last night. both of them in my lap. sharing the space nicely, almost lovingly. every once in a while, i would notice one trying to take up more space than was needed. both so territorial of their mother.

when it was finally bedtime, i realized that this was the night that i was going to try to put echo in her actual crib. not the pack in play that she's been use to for the last week. she would no longer be in the small space in the bathroom next to our bedroom. yes, it's true. i brought our daughter home from an orphanage and placed her in a guest bathroom. if you haven't already put your child in a closet or bathroom for sleeping purposes, i highly recommend it. i'm not one of those moms who does well sleeping in the same room with my child. i attempted the "same bedroom" sleeping arrangement the first night we brought her home and regretted it as soon as i got into bed. i can hear every movement, every breath, every whimper. it's too much for me. so, i resort to placing her in a small confined area. it works for me.

after this realization, i gathered all of her sleeping items, placed them in her crib, which is located in reese's room for a short period of time...it's like we are playing musical rooms around this house. zane and i showed her the bed, clearly much nicer than the pack n play. we sang to her and placed her in with all of the freshness a nice, clean bed could offer. and she screamed. she freaked out. i don't blame her. this is one new thing all over again. oh why didn't i think to put her in the crib in the first place...

later, i was able to tuck zane in quietly. don't you just love tucking your children in bed. i mean, the times that it's nice. half the time, there is complete chaos while we are trying to get them into bed. but on the nights when it's easy and enjoyable...don't you just love it? they are so sweet. so tired. i wanted to melt into zane. i wanted to lay with him and feel his warmth and softness. after one more potty trip and one more glass of water, he settled into bed.

as i sat downstairs, i was able to let my mind rest, my heart slowed and the calmness set in. ahhhhhhh, this is when mothers can punch their time card. check out....sort of. i always anticipate "i gotta go potty" shouted from above, either one of my 5 year olds coming out to say, "i love you" one more time and now a baby girl to cry out. but none of that happened this night.

as the night came to a close for me, i went up to do a final check. we do this every night. i'm sure many of you do too. i go up to look at them, cover them, smell them and heath always will find their lovie and place it in their hands. i've even sat at their side for awhile and just listened to them breathe. the pure miracle that each one of them is. i stood over zane for an extra long time. aren't children so beautiful when they sleep? they are so still. so peaceful. i pulled the covers up over him, found his lovie and put it in his hands and while i looked at him, it made me realize the loss of the other two. my two baby birds flying in a plane at this very moment. the house was too quiet. too empty. my chest was so heavy. and then i remembered the little one in the room down the hall. her fist night in a big, pepto bismal pink room. that's enough to scare anyone. so i ducked out of zane's room and walked what seemed like a really long way down a dark and lonely hallway. i passed maddox's room where reese and he are usually sleeping together. i stood in the doorway for a bit and then moved on to echo.

when i opened her door and saw her small little body, i had a thought pass over me. had i not checked on her the nights before? why did this feel like the first time? what was the difference here? i crept over to her bed and watched her chest move up and down. it dawned on me that heath has been the main one to check on her at night. i've been so tired, so sick, so mindless, that i've not been "into" the whole nighttime check for her. why? wasn't this the little one that i prayed for each night? wasn't i ripped to pieces knowing that she didn't have her mommy to tuck her in each night? to check on her and keep her warm. there were nights that i cried to be the one to say goodnight to her and tuck her in.

and then, without thinking anymore, i reached for her soft pink blanket. and i covered her. i covered her with love, with prayer, with thanksgiving. i'm your mommy. i get to tuck you in to bed tonight. i am able to have the final check. you are safe with me. i found her lovie and put it in her little hands.

"even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young - a place near your alter, O Lord Almighty,
my King and my God." -psalm 84:3