rainbows, butterflies and pink sugar coated gum drops

it's 2:30 am over here and i'm having a tough time sleeping. i'm not sure why, my thoughts are busy and my stomach is sour. i'm not sure if those two are related in any way but that's what's going on. my mind keeps going back to dinner earlier when several of us where talking about all the other blogs that we've followed or come across. some of us have our own blogs now, some don't. i'm the first to admit that i love a good blog, especially one that has to do with adoption. i've been a blog stalker before too. i become very invested in some and feel like they are family. it's silly, i know, but i've done it.

one of the comments struck me as being so true, blogs are sometimes tough to read because the writer gets to paint a really pretty picture, the writer gets to portray a life that is all about rainbows, butterflies and pink sugar coated gum drops. it's true isn't it? i get to tell you all about the great things that happen here and I can choose to leave out any negative. but the truth is, i've been sad, angry, scared, lonely, sickly, foul....i've been all of those and more but i've chosen to let you in on the good stuff, not the bad.

i want to look back on this experience and remember all of the best parts, all the good stuff because really it's all been good for the most part.

here is another topic that strikes me as a tough one. some people feel called to do all sorts of things. like adopt. and others don't. some feel called to go into the mission field, some don't. some have positions in the church and most of us don't. some people recycle. you get the idea. we are sometimes made to feel that we are not doing "really great things" if we don't do any or all of these things. and that's a really bad lie. each one of us have a potential to do really great things each day. they can be really little things to us but we have no idea the impact that it can have on an individual. my point is this, whatever it is that you do during your day, try to do it as joyfully as you can. and i know this is easier said than done. ask any one of my family members if i'm joyful all the time....wrong! i'm not always the best i can be but i try to stay on track as best as i can. some days are better than others....

i can't go without saying that i believe in a Creator. i believe that this Creator made me in the image of Him. i believe that He loves me madly and powerfully. so madly and powerfully that He sent down His own son to live and die in my place so that i could be saved. i really believe that. so, if i feel called to adopt, called to go into the mission field or called to just love others, no matter how big or how small, it's because He loved me first. the fact that He sacraficed His own son for me, when i couldn't even prick my own child's finger for another person, gives me the motivation that i need to be the best that He created me to be.

but don't let this fool you. i still get angry, and lonely. i fear the worst sometimes, i say and think things that are all sorts of wrong. my life is not rainbows, butterflies and pink sugar coated gum drops. it's not. but i choose to focus on the best parts and i choose to continue to listen when i feel called to do something for the One who did everything for me.

"for God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him will not die, but have eternal life." john 3:16

i left my bible at home....yea, i'm still kicking myself for that one but the verse above is one that i've known since childhood. and it's really the best one of all...even though i also love "jesus cried" from the bible. it reminds me of how real he really was. is.

okay, back to my fitful sleeping. for those of you who know me, i'm writing this on the floor of my hotel room. yep, in the pitch black dark. yes, i'm afraid of germs and bugs at this moment, not because it's a bad hotel room but because i'm always afraid of germs and bugs. but i really felt like i needed to get this blog out. i've purged. word vomit. now i feel better.