The Present Will Be The Past

i hesitate to write tonight. i'm tired, i'm a bit crabby and the kids were like four wild tornados tonight which didn't help matters. i hesitate. and yet, i write.

today i took all four children to the dentist. we've been going to about twenty doctor appointments a week. between the five of us, the kids and me, we have all kinds of check ups and visits to make in order to get up to where we need to be before we move out of the country. as if the UK doesn't have doctors.....you would think that the way i've scheduled appointments that we are not only moving to a foreign country, but that we are moving off the planet! to a place that has no civilization. we are moving to a CITY for crying out loud. they have doctors. but i trust my US doctors so...to the doctor we must go. they love the dentist. my older three. they couldn't wait. they've talked about it all week. reese has even decided that she wants to be a dentist. i sat with such pride as they lay in the chair, good listeners, ready for what comes next. and then came echo. my little one who has been poked and prodded way too much in the last 6 weeks. 6 weeks. we've been home for 6 weeks. i'll get to that in a moment. once it was echo's turn to be in the chair, she went nuts. it was one more doctor. doing one more invasive thing. she would have nothing to do with it. my other three stood around the chair coaching her, rubbing her, telling her it would be okay. i too, was coaching and rubbing but deep down, i was just tired. so tired.

and that puts me at 6 weeks. we've had echo home now for 6 weeks. the newness has gone. for all of us. she is more of a family member than ever before. she has seen me at my best and she has certainly seen me at my worst. i have seen her at her best. and yes, i believe her worst. she has come into our household at a very crazy time, as if things weren't going to be crazy enough already for her. new family, new home, new language, new culture, the list goes on. and here we are, preparing for this move. boxes everywhere, appointments to make, appointments to keep, phone calls, errands to run, babysitters, friends coming to say "hello", friends coming to say "goodbye", mommy coming in, mommy going out....our door is a revolving door right now. i'm not sure that she understands what "normal" is around here. actually, there is no way that she knows what "normal" is. we haven't been normal all summer.

how could 6 weeks have already gone by? summer just started, right? even as i sit here and type this, i'm more choppy than usual. i can't put it into words. the confusion, the uncertainty, the overwhelming....oh, no! there is that word that i hate....regret.......i regret that i wasn't able to spend more time with each one of my four. i regret that the summer has sped by way too quickly. i regret not getting them into a really cool camp that we all feel the pressure to put them into at far too early of an age. i regret the moments that i was too tired to play with reese and maddox while the two little ones napped and instead turned on a movie so that, i too, could nap....i regret.

i regret not making a great dinner for my family on certain nights. i regret making the great dinner but in the attempt of this great dinner becoming so foul because dinners are SO DIFFICULT to make right now. i feel like i'm putting out fires left and right as tiny little people run all around me...oh the regret.

darned if i do and darned if i don't. that's how i sometimes feel.

i hate that word. regret. what an ugly word. i'm not one to have regrets. i live life and try my best to take it as it comes and do the best that i can. but when it comes to my children, why does that feeling creep in? oh, and guilt comes with it, right? another ugly and terrible word. and horrific feeling.

okay, yes, there is some drama to all of this as i write. and this blog took an ugly turn. but. as i write it, the words and feelings go from my mind and my heart and flow out of my fingertips. and my hope is, that i will let them pour out of my fingertips until they are no longer in me. because i will look back at this one day as just what it is. a crazy time in my life. a beautiful time in my life. a joyous and precious time in my life. i will look back and regret that i let regret creep into my mind. oh, when that day comes. and it will. it will. i already can look back to when my twins were infants. i made myself believe at times that i was a lazy mom because i would nap when they napped.....seriously!? what mother in their right mind WOULDN'T nap when twins napped. how dare i make myself guilty over that one. and yet, i did.

so tonight, i sit here. a little grumpy, extremely tired and feeling that regret. but i'm also going to feel joy. i'm going to feel content. i'm going to feel thankful. i'm going to feel blessed. and i'm going to choose to feel worthy. because i am all of these things as well. i have too much to be grateful for to focus on the negative.

and no, i don't regret putting my children to bed an hour early tonight. and i don't regret that bowl of ice cream.


“…this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.” Philippines 3:13