i attempted "bed time" over an hour ago. bed time for myself, that is. the children have been down for hours now. but for myself, i knew that i needed sleep to get me to early service in the morning and then to begin another day of packing up these boxes. oh, these boxes. just when i felt like the move to london would not actually happen, in came the boxes. they are big, they are overwhelming and they become very awkward to move and carry once fully packed. but here they are. all around me. a constant reminder that the time is coming to move my family to a foreign country.
as i laid down tonight to attempt sleep, i started to pray. and somewhere in my praying, i got a little lost. i knew that i was lost because what had started as a prayer was now a never-ending list of "to-dos". oh no! i'd gone astray! wait! back up! start over! i'm sorry, Lord! (darn-it)
and that's when i told God that i was just stressed. i'm sure He was totally shocked by this. like all the big things that i surprise Him with. actually He was just waiting on me to be honest. so, there it was. the brutal honesty. "i can't think about you Lord, because i'm too busy...." ooooo, what a painful and scary truth to reveal. there it was. the truth.
so i decided to pray for the people that came into my mind. so many friends and family. so many. and there has been a lurking thought and prayer that has been in the back of my mind. the cambodia children. the orphans. many of you know that i have a deep pull towards cambodia. i've gone with two different amazing teams for the last two years. i've met the sweetest, most precious cambodia children ever created. there are three of these children that i kinda like to call my own. Phillib, Vandam, and Nat. precious children. little loves. sweet lights. their faces pierce my memory at night. hurt my head and break my heart. they call me "mommy".
there is a new team leaving on thursday to go back over to battambang, cambodia. i would have been in that group, except for one really big thing. and one really small thing. the really big thing is that we had planned to move to london before this team took off. we should have already been there by now. we've been forced to drag our feet for all sorts of reasons. finding the flat, getting the children into a school, tying up loose ends here in the states...adoption...which leads me to the really small thing that has held me back this year. echo. i remember wrestling with God a year ago. "Lord, if you are truly asking me to take on another child, especially one from another country, how can i still serve You in cambodia". and by "serving" i meant "going"...because there are plenty of ways to serve without being the one to go. i've seen it and felt it as friends and family have supported me financially and prayerfully the years that i've gone. but i wanted to GO. i wanted to DO. why was He taking it away from me? it was a struggle. so i honestly prayed for Him to change my heart. "Lord, if this adoption goes through before the next cambodia trip and i'm unable to go, i need for you to change my heart. i'm going to be crushed if i don't get to go. if i don't get to hold those cambodia children. if i don't get to sing with them, pray with them, play with them. i have unfinished business there...." i prayed that prayer countless times, countless nights.
tonight, as i prayed for all those friends and family. i saw those three little faces of Phillib, Vandam, and little Nat. my mission. my service. so far away. too far away. at least for this year. probably next year. and who can look so far ahead as to all the other years. but. my heart has changed. for now. because i have a mission at home. my mission field is right here with me all the time. they are sleeping upstairs. they call me mommy also. and i'm serving. oh good gravy am i serving! i'm serving from the moment i wake until the blessed time my head hits the pillow at night. no, i'm serving Something much higher. i have an important job to do right now. i have a great calling. mommy.
as i continue to type, i look around at these boxes that need to be packed. they are big, they are overwhelming. but i understand that these boxes are just part of what needs to be done to continue my mission. every big and little thing i do each day is part of that mission. so here i sit, among these boxes.
Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. Psalm 116:7
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