Today was an unexpected kind of day. even as i write now, i realized that it's too late to begin a blog update. i usually turn into a pumpkin at 10:00 pm, so why do i have this need and desire to write? i will possibly regret this in the morning. i have a really busy day with lots of appointments and a million errands. oh well....
the last two days have been ordinary kind of days but then again, not so ordinary. today was an unexpected kind of day. it was a no day kind of day. heath headed out early for boot camp and work, i awoke to "mommy, i gotta go baffroom!" (my alarm clock is zane's bladder) i was able to steal a few moments with him after his pit stop. we snuggled in his bed for a bit until he told me, "mommy, you can go back to your bed". hmmm, thanks?
breakfast was busy, got out of the house to run an errand and grab a coffee. not sure which one of those is truly what got me to lug 4 children out of the house at 9 am but, whatever. i had things to do. i cleaned like a crazy lady today. i threw out old things, unneeded things, unwanted things, unused things...i just threw out. and then threw out some more. knowing that we leave in a few weeks to another country makes me realize that we will return to this house every once in again and i can't handle clutter. so, organize i must. and all the while, the kids played around me, behind me, beside me, on me, through me, over me. you get the idea. it's funny. at any given moment, i would be organizing or purging and have at least one small child in my lap. at one point, we had appraisers to come over today and walk around our home taking pictures and such. the woman came upstairs where we were. i, trashing toys behind the kids' backs little by little and the lady stops and says, "are all of these children yours"? (there is that question again). she asked another common question, "what are their ages". so i went through it and she just smiled at them, said hello and told me they were all beautiful and went about her work. as she walked out of the room, i just looked at them, my babies. all of my babies. how can they make my heart swell with such love and pride? what a gift to be a mother and be able to look at these little people and know that i get to have a hand in their lives. it's precious. it's priceless. it's the biggest, best and most important gift i could ever be given. so many moments and days go by that i just rush though and try to get to the next moment, the next day. but look. look at what's in front of me.
i have to add that we took the three older kids to see Cars 2 tonight. it was so great to be with them and take them out for a special night. big kids only! no babies allowed! they loved it. they needed it. maybe we needed it too.
yesterday was sunday. i blogged yesterday about our return from vacation but what i failed to tell you was about the joy of that morning. we'd had family to come over the night before for a meet and greet. it was a ton of fun and the children went to bed way later than usual. they were exhausted. fell asleep immediately. it was awesome. anyway, sunday morning, i woke up at 7:20 to an empty bed and hearing echo screaming. it was a scream that i'd not heard from her since i've known her. i rushed upstairs thinking that i would pass heath. surely he was already up, or sleeping on the couch, or maybe even rushing up to go grab her as well. i didn't see him as i rushed up to get her. she was bunched in a corner, knees up under her body and she was screaming from fear. of what i don't know. what does a 15 month old fear? i'm sure she knows a thing or two. i didn't think as i jerked her up and into my arms. mommy is here. mommy is here. it's okay. i'm here. she stopped. looked at me. and there it was, that look. not the relieved look that i thought i would get. no, not this little trooper. she looked right at me as if to say, ummmmm, what's up? why are you up here? i suffer alone. one thing this independent little one needs to learn, is how to depend.
so, i took her and walked over to the glider that i wasn't able to use nearly enough with twins and then baby zane who was a spitter after nursing.....i chose to use a crappy chair with him so that we could toss it after he got old enough. don't ask. so i scooped her up, sat down in that glider, and i rocked. i rocked and i rocked. she laid her head on my chest and she fell fast asleep. i rocked her for 30 more minutes as she slept. it was that feeling that you get when you rock your infant. you aren't rocking for their benefit. they are asleep after-all. you are rocking for your own. i was rocking to soothe myself. and it was wonderful. i could touch her skin and her hair. i could watch her little back go up and down. it's okay. mommy is here. you have nothing to be afraid of, little one.
the rest of the family did not wake until after 9:30. i'm not kidding. my husband, the man i've never known to sleep much past 7 or 8 in the morning, slept until 9:50. God bless that man. he is so tired these days. oh, and as to the whereabouts of his hideout? he was sleeping up in zane's bed. this too is a rare occasion. i don't know what has gotten into us lately. okay, i'll admit, it's hard to tell little zane no when he grabs your face with both hands and says, "sweep wid me, i want to hold you". i'm a sucker for it every time. i guess daddy is too.
we scrambled for the late service at church. when we walked in the door, we realized that we had to register echo! she'd never been to church! it was her first day! heath took the other three and quickly found me and we signed her in together. i walked her in the room and let her feet touch the floor. i just knew this was a mistake. she wouldn't like this, i knew she wouldn't allow me to leave. i braced myself for her to cry and grab me. but she didn't even look back. she just walked right in and straight to the toys. as we walked away, i cried. and i cry now as i write this. it wasn't my typical, 'oh, i'm leaving my baby in the care of someone else' type cry. although i've done that too. this cry was different, i couldn't shake it. i sat down in service and fought back the tears. i didn't want heath to think i was the crazy mom. i couldn't explain it. and then we started to sing the first song...
'blessed be the name of the lord, blessed be thy name, blessed be the name of the lord, blessed be thy name. every blessing you pour out, i'll turn back to praise, when the darkness closes in lord, still i will say, blessed be the name of the lord, blessed be thy name,'
...this was a song that i struggled so much to sing just 6 years ago. a childless mother. desperately wanting a baby. just give me one, God. just give me at least one. i promise to turn it into a praise. i don't know why He gave in, but He did, 4 times over. blessed be His name.
it was my nephew's dedication yesterday. and we missed it. his dedication was held in rome, ga and we just knew we couldn't pull it together to attend. i'm sorry i missed it but in a tiny way, i feel like it was a dedication for echo as well. it was why i couldn't help but cry as i left her in her classroom. it was a cry of joy, reassurance, blessing, closure. i felt like i'd come full circle with God. her first sunday at church. here you go, Lord. you gave her to me, now i give her to You.
and God rocked me for a bit that morning too.....
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