Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The End....And So It Begins.....
well. here we are. 2 days away from our flight over. moving day. how did we get here? the day has been slow as molasses and yet, it somehow snuck up on me. i'm going through the motions of saying my goodbyes and having my "last times". you know, like the last time i attend my church here for awhile, the last time we meet with small group, the last time we have a saturday here, the last time i see my friends, the last time i see my family, the last time i eat mexican food (i mean, that's important, right?) the last time i hug my sister.....at least for a little while.
last week i visited my parents. the last time. when it was time to go, i did it in a very quick manner. i didn't want to get too upset in front of the children. less drama, that's what i was thinking. we said our goodbyes, my sister and i hugged just like we always do, as if I would be back again next week. no big deal, right? but as i drove down the driveway, i wanted to turn back around. i wanted a longer hug, i wanted to smell her hair and rub her back. my little sister. i almost did except that i didn't want to put it in the children's heads that this was a sad event. i want for them to be excited, hopeful. they don't understand "bitter-sweet" yet, do they? and i was afraid, if i went back and hugged a little longer, would i want to let go?
twice i wanted to turn the car around and go back. twice i put my foot on the brake to go back. i did not. after more than 30 minutes of driving, almost halfway back to our home, reese asked, "mommy, why are you sad?" it was then that i looked in the rear view mirror and saw my sweet little 5 year old, brown eyed girl, staring at me, dead eye contact and wanting to know the answer to a question that i did not have the words to answer. at least not for her little ears. so in the attempt to answer her, realizing that i'd been crying, i choked, waved my hand over my face and looked back at the highway in silence. when i looked back up at her, she simply pursed her lips in a soft smile as if to say, it's okay, i get it, you don't have to answer. and then she went back to her Leapster.
last night we had our last monday night meeting with our small group. a group of us meet once a week to talk about life, the bible, our relationships, God...it was a night that i had dreaded. i love this group, these people. these friends that have become like family. but it turned out to be somewhat easier than i thought. difficult, but easier. i must admit, i've actually cried a lot less than I thought that i would with all of these goodbyes. i really thought that i would be a sloppy mess through it all. am i in denial? when will it hit me? how hard will it hit?
last night, as usual, i could not sleep. i stayed up until well after 2 a.m. trying to sort through my thoughts. so i began to pray. i thought for just a moment, go ahead, mistye, let it out. cry if you need to. you can't hurt or worry God with your tears. He won't mind. so...i let a tear fall. just one. okay, maybe it was a couple but that was about it. but then, i let the breath out that i'd been holding in, holding back.
and i cried.
really cried.
and i don't even know the exact reason. i just needed to get some out. so that's what i did. i cried until my pillow was wet, which i hate because then, like other times before, i have to find a new spot on the pillow and depending on how wet the pillow has gotten, it might be difficult to find a good, new spot. then i'm just left with a soggy pillow.
so, i sat up from the couch and looked out of our huge window and saw the trees blowing back and forth.
dancing.
swinging and swaying.
dancing.
was a storm coming? why were they swaying so forcefully? you can look at life in many ways, but basically you can look at it positively or negatively. when the wind blows, you can see it as a storm coming or trees dancing.
mine dance.
this has been a busy summer for us. did we have a summer? did it happen? the season is nearing an end, just like this season of our life. we are moving on to a new season, figuratively and literally because once we get to london, it's goodbye tank tops and hello jackets as we go from 100 degree weather to 65/70 degree weather. good bye babies and hello school age children as my three oldest start school all together. goodbye roomie house with back yard and hello flat overlooking concrete. it will be a new season for us all.
we go through these seasons of our lives and as much as it may hurt, or as sad as it may be, we must embrace what is to come. the sweetness of yesterday. the beauty of today. the excitement of tomorrow.
and there is excitement in tomorrow. there always is.
and so, with that said, this blog needs to come to a close. again, bitter sweet. i'm losing another part of me. we've used this blog and filled it with exactly what it was intended for. the meeting, greeting and bringing our baby girl home to her family. we did it. and we kept it going to fill it with memories of echo's growth and bonding with our family this summer. we did it. it is the end of this season. after-all, we are a family of 6, not one. so echowilson.blogspot just doesn't make sense anymore. she is one of 6. and we are about to embark on a great adventure. together. as a family. we are going to close this blog and begin a new one. i have no idea what the name will be yet and i'll post that as soon as i figure it out. i will still keep you updated with echo, of course, but our other three will be charted as well. so, it's not really an end, it's a beginning.
maybe in the next blog, i'll have words like; bugger, chinwag and telly. i mean, i plan on finding some really cool british gals to hang out with. i've told many of you that i plan to go over to Princess Kate's house and borrow an egg for my cooking. she will be living across the street from us, i might as well, right? maybe she will be one of those cool british gals that i hang with. and my children will start to call me "mummy". oh boy! can you imagine little echo? a chinese american with a british accent! we will have a lot of explaining to do!
cheers!!!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Hugs and Kisses
If any of you have ever been around heath and me with our children, i mean, really been around us with our children, you would see how affectionate we are with them. and we even try to hold off on the affection when we are around friends and family simply because...well, simply because. i could eat my children up with a spoon. i think they are yummy. i love every little tiny piece about each one of them. they were wonderfully and miraculously made, after-all. i can see the wonder and miracle in them at any given moment.
as you know, heath and i have been working with echo on her hugs and kisses. now, our approach has been very different. heath has been playful, silly, strong and just throws himself right in there. i do too, but i've been more of a teacher during the day. you would think hugs and kisses come naturally. i use to think that. growing up in a loving a sweet family. hugs and kisses are adored and welcomed. not the case when you spend your first year in an orphanage. so, during my day, you can see/hear me giving her a soft kiss and saying "kiss". or sitting in the floor with her and wrapping my arms around her saying "hug". these are things that babies who are well loved and cared for, automatically begin to do. i've been just waiting for that moment when i get that wide-open mouth kiss that you get from your baby. you know the kind, she comes at you with those sloppy lips and just smother you right smack dab on your own smackers. you almost want to dodge it because you can see the drool coming your way, you feel as though you may drown in this saliva but as she pulls away, you wish that it could have lasted longer. babies are so quick with their kisses. so stingy. they only give them when they want to and when they mean it. i know this, i've been through it three times already with my other children. that quick, sloppy kiss is never enough. they always leave me wanting more. and so, we played (and worked) with echo on these simple things. hugs and kisses.
heath's parents were here over the weekend to have a last visit before the big move to london. it was a great weekend and will go down as one of my most memorable weekends because of one tiny moment. after having lunch on saturday, i was sitting at the table and echo was down walking around. she was in a great mood. just like any random moment, i saw her coming toward me so i bent down in hopes to steal a smooch, knowing full well this would make her squirm or turn running. she was coming right for me. i don't remember if i requested the kiss or if she just laid it on me, but she came over and very clearly, very intentionally kissed me. i have no doubt that she felt love in her heart and wanted to share it with me. what a beautiful moment. our first kiss. then, of course, i immediately requested more! one could never be enough. i could hear heath in the background, "no way, she did not, bring her here"....and like any stingy baby, she was done. as quickly as she'd given her kiss, she walked away. easy come, easy go.
i've gotten another kiss since then, in our dinning room. i was sitting alone with her in the floor and she was playing in front of me, "kiss?" i asked. and she raised up that beautiful little face of hers and gave me a kiss. and continued with her play.....our girl, she's coming around more and more each day.....
tonight at dinner, i was over at my parent's house and we were all sitting around eating. out of absolutely no where, echo leaned over and wrapped her tiny arms around me. i leaned in too and we held our hug....i'm not sure that i would have been certain what she was doing, except that she wanted to do it several times and each time i would say, "hug....thank you", "hug....thank you".....she did this several times, over and over. again, i have no doubt she knew exactly what she was doing. she has learned several signs (eat, more, all done), a couple of words (bye-bye, no) and now this, displays of affection. a hug and a kiss. something so simple and yet, something i have been waiting for. i love you, echo...do you love me? the more i ask this question, the more i can see the answer. yes, the feeling is very mutual.
i guess you could say we are in love.
*thanks, nicole eliason, for the photo!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
One on One
it's been just the two of us for the last 18-20 hours. just me and little echo. the kids went to grandma and granddaddy's and heath has some business in town this week that requires some long hours and business dinners. i've gotten to know little echo on a new level. we've bonded a little deeper. it's been really neat to see her in this setting. the setting of being an only child. i have to admit, she's pretty good at it. not as good as being a little sister of 3 older siblings but she's definitely loving the extra attention, the less crazy mom, the house that she alone can destroy. yes, she is enjoying this time to the fullest. there are things about her that i've learned these last few hours. some things i knew but others are new to me. i've had a lot of time to watch her, no other real distractions. i knew that i loved her but there are things about her that i'm crazy about. just a little list of the things i love:
i love the way you smile with your mouth wide open.
i love how you catch me looking at you and you come running, full sprint to jump in my lap.
i love how, upon waking from sleep, you put your little fingers together to sign more, letting me know you want to eat.
i love your strength. emotional and physical.
i love how you shock the socks off the doctors when they try to hold you down for shots. they have no idea the strength you hold.
i love how you "wear' flip flops on your arms and walk around the house. it's your favorite.
i love how you brush your hair and smile with pride.
i love how you love your daddy just as much as we all do around here. what's not to love?
i love how you look at reese with adoration.
i love how you annoy maddox.
i love how you and zane have become such fast friends. partners in crime, one day, i have no doubt.
i love how you can maneuver you upper lip over your lower one in an attempt to catch a piece of falling food. you have lips that can move like a llama! you don't want a bite to go to waste!
i love how you still aren't sure of our kisses and hugs, they still make you cry at times, but there are a few times, that you seem to enjoy it. you'll come around.
i love that you went from crawling to running in less than two weeks.
i love that you know how to be held now. you wrap those little legs around my hips immediately upon pick up.
i love how you say "bye bye" with that raspy little voice. and you wave those tiny hands.
i love your determination.
i love that you are in our family
i love that you are one of two of my daughters, one of four of my children. i love it.
this one on one time has been so great. grocery shopping with you was actually fun and entertaining. you smiled at other customers and tried to grab their carts. you also recognized some of the packages on the shelves and would sign more. haaha. bedtime is so quiet and relatively simple. i give you a bath and brush your teeth. you get an extra long cleaning with each because i feel like i need to make up for lost time. all the times i lined you up with the others, the "assembly line" as your aunt debbie called it. yes, you've gotten a little extra of everything these last few hours. one on one time is good. and here i thought that the big kids needs some time away, some time off, some fun and adventure. and i still believe that they did. but now i see that you needed the time as well. and maybe i did too.
these days were fun, sweet echo. now let's get ready for the party coming home tomorrow! back to life in the fast lane. you and i know we both love it!
*thanks to Nicole Eliason for the photo!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Waiting Room
there have been a lot of things on our calender that we've waited to get to. as the days go by, we mark off what we've done and where we've been and continue to anticipate where we have left to go and do.....a little recap on the last few days:
heath and i went on a date friday night. an all night date. dinner, laughs, we even attempted a dance club (don't ask) and then a night at my favorite hotel, The W!! just to get away. we'd planned it during our "vacation" at the beach with all of the kids. we knew we needed a night to be together and to enjoy some alone time. it was a fantastic night and i fell, honestly, even more in love with heath than ever before. it's nice to have him on this journey along beside me. and i beside him. we only talked about the kids for the first couple of hours into the date and then it was on to laughter and fun with one another. a night with my love and my very best friend.
last night we went to a little "going away party" from our boot camp instructor friends. whenever i talk about leaving, moving or saying goodbye, it seems very surreal. surely this is not really happening.
today my mom came to pick up the three older kids. she loaded up reese, maddox and zane. all filled with excitement over the fact that "the big kids" were the ones to go to grandma's this time. no babies allowed. echo would be staying here with me. when my mother didn't arrive at exactly lunchtime (which was the time period that i told them she would arrive) Zane started to get really concerned. he was promised a trip to see grandma and granddaddy. he was told it was big kids only. he wanted to make sure that grandma was still going to come get them! when it was time for them to leave, i thought zane would try to drive the car himself. i'm not only excited that they are having a good time but i'm thrilled that they took such pride in their roles of the big kids. little zane is really coming around to the idea of being "big".
and then i have to go back to yesterday. (sorry to bounce around like that.) I found myself in yet another doctor's office yesterday, two actually. one for echo and then another for me later in the day. as i've said before, i've scheduled a ton of appointments to make sure that we are all in working order as our travel plans draw near. i was sitting in the waiting room. i was alone. the other waiting room was so full that the nurse moved me over to the second waiting room. i knew that i needed to make myself comfortable, this could take awhile. luckily, i was truly alone in this room. by that, i mean, i had no kids with me. what? i have time to think? read a book? so i pulled out my book that i've been reading. the book is called The Sacred Echo (thank you susan) and it's fantastic. i've really enjoyed reading it and recommend it to everyone. anyway, i finished the book and just sat there. and sat. and sat. and then i realized how much i feel like i wait for things. i feel like i'm always waiting.
waiting to find the one
waiting to get married
waiting to finish school
waiting to get pregnant
waiting to hear God's call
waiting for the next month
waiting for the next year
waiting for my children to reach the next milestone
waiting to go to sleep
waiting to wake up
waiting for nap time
waiting for test results
waiting for heath to get home from work
waiting to move
waiting to stay
waiting for the next appointment
the next thing, we are always waiting for something. at least i am.
and these things are just little things. some people are waiting for so much more. so much more that is way more serious, life threatening or altering....
i think back to waiting to conceive our twins. i don't like to think back to that time, but it was a waiting game, for sure. and then i think about the pregnancies and waiting to get that baby or babies OUT. then i waited to get them through infancy. whew! those are some tough first few months. i waited for each one to be able to talk to tell me what they wanted instead of pointing and grunting. i waited for each one to walk.
and then the adoption. what a strange and beautiful waiting game THAT turned out to be. sign here, dot there, do this, go there, passport picture here, documentation there.....oh the waiting, hurry up and wait. get to the next part, get through it and wait for something more.
i've had a lot of curious people lately ask 'how long did it take you to adopt'. it's shocking to me that it only took about 14-15 months. shocking. that's not long at all! and i go as far as to tell some people that it really could have only taken 12-13 months but our home study took a couple of months longer than it should have. a home study normally takes about 3 months with our agency, it took us over 5. i was very frustrated at the time. very frustrated. almost to the point of getting upset, calling it quits and finding another agency. seriously, i was not happy. i had to have someone to blame, right? but deep down, i knew God had it all under control. i knew His timing was best. i knew that i needed to lay low and be patient. and so my heart changed and softened to the wait. i would embrace the wait. now, looking back, if our home study had gone through when i thought it should have or wished that it could have, i would not have my echo. i would not have my baby girl. you see, she would not have been on the list yet because of her age. she was really young when we got her file. a couple of months younger would have meant that she was ineligible for adoption or even that her file would not be ready to send out. oh the wait, that sweet blessed wait.
so here i was waiting for the doctor. for an answer. i wanted to hear an answer from this doctor about my body. and don't worry mama and mrs. wilson, everything is fine, let me just get that out there! but i was waiting. and i was uncomfortable waiting, not a lot, just a little. i wanted an answer quickly and i wanted the answer that i wanted to hear. and then it hit me. in this stale white, boring waiting room. life is really like one big waiting room. but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. we all wait. we wait for millions of things all through our life. i realized that since the world is full of waiters and we are all waiting for the next thing, why not be patient. why not enjoy the wait. i decided that i didn't want my waiting room to be this stale white boring old room. i wanted it to be beautiful, pleasant and peaceful. i wanted to embrace the wait. my waiting room is in God's hands. you can think of that in two different ways. one way; it's up to Him to decide what i wait for and how long i wait for it. or you can look at it as me just sitting in God's great big ole hands. just hanging out. relaxing. and letting Him carry me through. that's how i like to think of it. the waiting room. my waiting room is not too shabby. it's kinda nice at times.
so today, after the kids left with my mom, as i waited, in this house that is too big for only echo and myself. i took great happiness in cleaning, in folding laundry. i took great joy in playing with echo, hearing her say "bye bye" over and over again (her only word that she can say with confidence). feeding her, watching her make a major mess in the areas that i'd just cleaned. it was a pleasure to hear her laugh, to bathe her, to hold her down as i towel dried her and then fought her to blow-dry her hair. (i mean, it wasn't all rosy.)
i am in a constant waiting room but i have to take a step back and enjoy what i have that i waited so long for. i want to be a happy waiter. i want to enjoy my waiting room.
"Love is never tired of waiting."1 Corinthians 13:4
heath and i went on a date friday night. an all night date. dinner, laughs, we even attempted a dance club (don't ask) and then a night at my favorite hotel, The W!! just to get away. we'd planned it during our "vacation" at the beach with all of the kids. we knew we needed a night to be together and to enjoy some alone time. it was a fantastic night and i fell, honestly, even more in love with heath than ever before. it's nice to have him on this journey along beside me. and i beside him. we only talked about the kids for the first couple of hours into the date and then it was on to laughter and fun with one another. a night with my love and my very best friend.
last night we went to a little "going away party" from our boot camp instructor friends. whenever i talk about leaving, moving or saying goodbye, it seems very surreal. surely this is not really happening.
today my mom came to pick up the three older kids. she loaded up reese, maddox and zane. all filled with excitement over the fact that "the big kids" were the ones to go to grandma's this time. no babies allowed. echo would be staying here with me. when my mother didn't arrive at exactly lunchtime (which was the time period that i told them she would arrive) Zane started to get really concerned. he was promised a trip to see grandma and granddaddy. he was told it was big kids only. he wanted to make sure that grandma was still going to come get them! when it was time for them to leave, i thought zane would try to drive the car himself. i'm not only excited that they are having a good time but i'm thrilled that they took such pride in their roles of the big kids. little zane is really coming around to the idea of being "big".
and then i have to go back to yesterday. (sorry to bounce around like that.) I found myself in yet another doctor's office yesterday, two actually. one for echo and then another for me later in the day. as i've said before, i've scheduled a ton of appointments to make sure that we are all in working order as our travel plans draw near. i was sitting in the waiting room. i was alone. the other waiting room was so full that the nurse moved me over to the second waiting room. i knew that i needed to make myself comfortable, this could take awhile. luckily, i was truly alone in this room. by that, i mean, i had no kids with me. what? i have time to think? read a book? so i pulled out my book that i've been reading. the book is called The Sacred Echo (thank you susan) and it's fantastic. i've really enjoyed reading it and recommend it to everyone. anyway, i finished the book and just sat there. and sat. and sat. and then i realized how much i feel like i wait for things. i feel like i'm always waiting.
waiting to find the one
waiting to get married
waiting to finish school
waiting to get pregnant
waiting to hear God's call
waiting for the next month
waiting for the next year
waiting for my children to reach the next milestone
waiting to go to sleep
waiting to wake up
waiting for nap time
waiting for test results
waiting for heath to get home from work
waiting to move
waiting to stay
waiting for the next appointment
the next thing, we are always waiting for something. at least i am.
and these things are just little things. some people are waiting for so much more. so much more that is way more serious, life threatening or altering....
i think back to waiting to conceive our twins. i don't like to think back to that time, but it was a waiting game, for sure. and then i think about the pregnancies and waiting to get that baby or babies OUT. then i waited to get them through infancy. whew! those are some tough first few months. i waited for each one to be able to talk to tell me what they wanted instead of pointing and grunting. i waited for each one to walk.
and then the adoption. what a strange and beautiful waiting game THAT turned out to be. sign here, dot there, do this, go there, passport picture here, documentation there.....oh the waiting, hurry up and wait. get to the next part, get through it and wait for something more.
i've had a lot of curious people lately ask 'how long did it take you to adopt'. it's shocking to me that it only took about 14-15 months. shocking. that's not long at all! and i go as far as to tell some people that it really could have only taken 12-13 months but our home study took a couple of months longer than it should have. a home study normally takes about 3 months with our agency, it took us over 5. i was very frustrated at the time. very frustrated. almost to the point of getting upset, calling it quits and finding another agency. seriously, i was not happy. i had to have someone to blame, right? but deep down, i knew God had it all under control. i knew His timing was best. i knew that i needed to lay low and be patient. and so my heart changed and softened to the wait. i would embrace the wait. now, looking back, if our home study had gone through when i thought it should have or wished that it could have, i would not have my echo. i would not have my baby girl. you see, she would not have been on the list yet because of her age. she was really young when we got her file. a couple of months younger would have meant that she was ineligible for adoption or even that her file would not be ready to send out. oh the wait, that sweet blessed wait.
so here i was waiting for the doctor. for an answer. i wanted to hear an answer from this doctor about my body. and don't worry mama and mrs. wilson, everything is fine, let me just get that out there! but i was waiting. and i was uncomfortable waiting, not a lot, just a little. i wanted an answer quickly and i wanted the answer that i wanted to hear. and then it hit me. in this stale white, boring waiting room. life is really like one big waiting room. but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. we all wait. we wait for millions of things all through our life. i realized that since the world is full of waiters and we are all waiting for the next thing, why not be patient. why not enjoy the wait. i decided that i didn't want my waiting room to be this stale white boring old room. i wanted it to be beautiful, pleasant and peaceful. i wanted to embrace the wait. my waiting room is in God's hands. you can think of that in two different ways. one way; it's up to Him to decide what i wait for and how long i wait for it. or you can look at it as me just sitting in God's great big ole hands. just hanging out. relaxing. and letting Him carry me through. that's how i like to think of it. the waiting room. my waiting room is not too shabby. it's kinda nice at times.
so today, after the kids left with my mom, as i waited, in this house that is too big for only echo and myself. i took great happiness in cleaning, in folding laundry. i took great joy in playing with echo, hearing her say "bye bye" over and over again (her only word that she can say with confidence). feeding her, watching her make a major mess in the areas that i'd just cleaned. it was a pleasure to hear her laugh, to bathe her, to hold her down as i towel dried her and then fought her to blow-dry her hair. (i mean, it wasn't all rosy.)
i am in a constant waiting room but i have to take a step back and enjoy what i have that i waited so long for. i want to be a happy waiter. i want to enjoy my waiting room.
"Love is never tired of waiting."1 Corinthians 13:4
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Present Will Be The Past
i hesitate to write tonight. i'm tired, i'm a bit crabby and the kids were like four wild tornados tonight which didn't help matters. i hesitate. and yet, i write.
today i took all four children to the dentist. we've been going to about twenty doctor appointments a week. between the five of us, the kids and me, we have all kinds of check ups and visits to make in order to get up to where we need to be before we move out of the country. as if the UK doesn't have doctors.....you would think that the way i've scheduled appointments that we are not only moving to a foreign country, but that we are moving off the planet! to a place that has no civilization. we are moving to a CITY for crying out loud. they have doctors. but i trust my US doctors so...to the doctor we must go. they love the dentist. my older three. they couldn't wait. they've talked about it all week. reese has even decided that she wants to be a dentist. i sat with such pride as they lay in the chair, good listeners, ready for what comes next. and then came echo. my little one who has been poked and prodded way too much in the last 6 weeks. 6 weeks. we've been home for 6 weeks. i'll get to that in a moment. once it was echo's turn to be in the chair, she went nuts. it was one more doctor. doing one more invasive thing. she would have nothing to do with it. my other three stood around the chair coaching her, rubbing her, telling her it would be okay. i too, was coaching and rubbing but deep down, i was just tired. so tired.
and that puts me at 6 weeks. we've had echo home now for 6 weeks. the newness has gone. for all of us. she is more of a family member than ever before. she has seen me at my best and she has certainly seen me at my worst. i have seen her at her best. and yes, i believe her worst. she has come into our household at a very crazy time, as if things weren't going to be crazy enough already for her. new family, new home, new language, new culture, the list goes on. and here we are, preparing for this move. boxes everywhere, appointments to make, appointments to keep, phone calls, errands to run, babysitters, friends coming to say "hello", friends coming to say "goodbye", mommy coming in, mommy going out....our door is a revolving door right now. i'm not sure that she understands what "normal" is around here. actually, there is no way that she knows what "normal" is. we haven't been normal all summer.
how could 6 weeks have already gone by? summer just started, right? even as i sit here and type this, i'm more choppy than usual. i can't put it into words. the confusion, the uncertainty, the overwhelming....oh, no! there is that word that i hate....regret.......i regret that i wasn't able to spend more time with each one of my four. i regret that the summer has sped by way too quickly. i regret not getting them into a really cool camp that we all feel the pressure to put them into at far too early of an age. i regret the moments that i was too tired to play with reese and maddox while the two little ones napped and instead turned on a movie so that, i too, could nap....i regret.
i regret not making a great dinner for my family on certain nights. i regret making the great dinner but in the attempt of this great dinner becoming so foul because dinners are SO DIFFICULT to make right now. i feel like i'm putting out fires left and right as tiny little people run all around me...oh the regret.
darned if i do and darned if i don't. that's how i sometimes feel.
i hate that word. regret. what an ugly word. i'm not one to have regrets. i live life and try my best to take it as it comes and do the best that i can. but when it comes to my children, why does that feeling creep in? oh, and guilt comes with it, right? another ugly and terrible word. and horrific feeling.
okay, yes, there is some drama to all of this as i write. and this blog took an ugly turn. but. as i write it, the words and feelings go from my mind and my heart and flow out of my fingertips. and my hope is, that i will let them pour out of my fingertips until they are no longer in me. because i will look back at this one day as just what it is. a crazy time in my life. a beautiful time in my life. a joyous and precious time in my life. i will look back and regret that i let regret creep into my mind. oh, when that day comes. and it will. it will. i already can look back to when my twins were infants. i made myself believe at times that i was a lazy mom because i would nap when they napped.....seriously!? what mother in their right mind WOULDN'T nap when twins napped. how dare i make myself guilty over that one. and yet, i did.
so tonight, i sit here. a little grumpy, extremely tired and feeling that regret. but i'm also going to feel joy. i'm going to feel content. i'm going to feel thankful. i'm going to feel blessed. and i'm going to choose to feel worthy. because i am all of these things as well. i have too much to be grateful for to focus on the negative.
and no, i don't regret putting my children to bed an hour early tonight. and i don't regret that bowl of ice cream.
“…this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.” Philippines 3:13
today i took all four children to the dentist. we've been going to about twenty doctor appointments a week. between the five of us, the kids and me, we have all kinds of check ups and visits to make in order to get up to where we need to be before we move out of the country. as if the UK doesn't have doctors.....you would think that the way i've scheduled appointments that we are not only moving to a foreign country, but that we are moving off the planet! to a place that has no civilization. we are moving to a CITY for crying out loud. they have doctors. but i trust my US doctors so...to the doctor we must go. they love the dentist. my older three. they couldn't wait. they've talked about it all week. reese has even decided that she wants to be a dentist. i sat with such pride as they lay in the chair, good listeners, ready for what comes next. and then came echo. my little one who has been poked and prodded way too much in the last 6 weeks. 6 weeks. we've been home for 6 weeks. i'll get to that in a moment. once it was echo's turn to be in the chair, she went nuts. it was one more doctor. doing one more invasive thing. she would have nothing to do with it. my other three stood around the chair coaching her, rubbing her, telling her it would be okay. i too, was coaching and rubbing but deep down, i was just tired. so tired.
and that puts me at 6 weeks. we've had echo home now for 6 weeks. the newness has gone. for all of us. she is more of a family member than ever before. she has seen me at my best and she has certainly seen me at my worst. i have seen her at her best. and yes, i believe her worst. she has come into our household at a very crazy time, as if things weren't going to be crazy enough already for her. new family, new home, new language, new culture, the list goes on. and here we are, preparing for this move. boxes everywhere, appointments to make, appointments to keep, phone calls, errands to run, babysitters, friends coming to say "hello", friends coming to say "goodbye", mommy coming in, mommy going out....our door is a revolving door right now. i'm not sure that she understands what "normal" is around here. actually, there is no way that she knows what "normal" is. we haven't been normal all summer.
how could 6 weeks have already gone by? summer just started, right? even as i sit here and type this, i'm more choppy than usual. i can't put it into words. the confusion, the uncertainty, the overwhelming....oh, no! there is that word that i hate....regret.......i regret that i wasn't able to spend more time with each one of my four. i regret that the summer has sped by way too quickly. i regret not getting them into a really cool camp that we all feel the pressure to put them into at far too early of an age. i regret the moments that i was too tired to play with reese and maddox while the two little ones napped and instead turned on a movie so that, i too, could nap....i regret.
i regret not making a great dinner for my family on certain nights. i regret making the great dinner but in the attempt of this great dinner becoming so foul because dinners are SO DIFFICULT to make right now. i feel like i'm putting out fires left and right as tiny little people run all around me...oh the regret.
darned if i do and darned if i don't. that's how i sometimes feel.
i hate that word. regret. what an ugly word. i'm not one to have regrets. i live life and try my best to take it as it comes and do the best that i can. but when it comes to my children, why does that feeling creep in? oh, and guilt comes with it, right? another ugly and terrible word. and horrific feeling.
okay, yes, there is some drama to all of this as i write. and this blog took an ugly turn. but. as i write it, the words and feelings go from my mind and my heart and flow out of my fingertips. and my hope is, that i will let them pour out of my fingertips until they are no longer in me. because i will look back at this one day as just what it is. a crazy time in my life. a beautiful time in my life. a joyous and precious time in my life. i will look back and regret that i let regret creep into my mind. oh, when that day comes. and it will. it will. i already can look back to when my twins were infants. i made myself believe at times that i was a lazy mom because i would nap when they napped.....seriously!? what mother in their right mind WOULDN'T nap when twins napped. how dare i make myself guilty over that one. and yet, i did.
so tonight, i sit here. a little grumpy, extremely tired and feeling that regret. but i'm also going to feel joy. i'm going to feel content. i'm going to feel thankful. i'm going to feel blessed. and i'm going to choose to feel worthy. because i am all of these things as well. i have too much to be grateful for to focus on the negative.
and no, i don't regret putting my children to bed an hour early tonight. and i don't regret that bowl of ice cream.
“…this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.” Philippines 3:13
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Among the Boxes is My MIssion
i attempted "bed time" over an hour ago. bed time for myself, that is. the children have been down for hours now. but for myself, i knew that i needed sleep to get me to early service in the morning and then to begin another day of packing up these boxes. oh, these boxes. just when i felt like the move to london would not actually happen, in came the boxes. they are big, they are overwhelming and they become very awkward to move and carry once fully packed. but here they are. all around me. a constant reminder that the time is coming to move my family to a foreign country.
as i laid down tonight to attempt sleep, i started to pray. and somewhere in my praying, i got a little lost. i knew that i was lost because what had started as a prayer was now a never-ending list of "to-dos". oh no! i'd gone astray! wait! back up! start over! i'm sorry, Lord! (darn-it)
and that's when i told God that i was just stressed. i'm sure He was totally shocked by this. like all the big things that i surprise Him with. actually He was just waiting on me to be honest. so, there it was. the brutal honesty. "i can't think about you Lord, because i'm too busy...." ooooo, what a painful and scary truth to reveal. there it was. the truth.
so i decided to pray for the people that came into my mind. so many friends and family. so many. and there has been a lurking thought and prayer that has been in the back of my mind. the cambodia children. the orphans. many of you know that i have a deep pull towards cambodia. i've gone with two different amazing teams for the last two years. i've met the sweetest, most precious cambodia children ever created. there are three of these children that i kinda like to call my own. Phillib, Vandam, and Nat. precious children. little loves. sweet lights. their faces pierce my memory at night. hurt my head and break my heart. they call me "mommy".
there is a new team leaving on thursday to go back over to battambang, cambodia. i would have been in that group, except for one really big thing. and one really small thing. the really big thing is that we had planned to move to london before this team took off. we should have already been there by now. we've been forced to drag our feet for all sorts of reasons. finding the flat, getting the children into a school, tying up loose ends here in the states...adoption...which leads me to the really small thing that has held me back this year. echo. i remember wrestling with God a year ago. "Lord, if you are truly asking me to take on another child, especially one from another country, how can i still serve You in cambodia". and by "serving" i meant "going"...because there are plenty of ways to serve without being the one to go. i've seen it and felt it as friends and family have supported me financially and prayerfully the years that i've gone. but i wanted to GO. i wanted to DO. why was He taking it away from me? it was a struggle. so i honestly prayed for Him to change my heart. "Lord, if this adoption goes through before the next cambodia trip and i'm unable to go, i need for you to change my heart. i'm going to be crushed if i don't get to go. if i don't get to hold those cambodia children. if i don't get to sing with them, pray with them, play with them. i have unfinished business there...." i prayed that prayer countless times, countless nights.
tonight, as i prayed for all those friends and family. i saw those three little faces of Phillib, Vandam, and little Nat. my mission. my service. so far away. too far away. at least for this year. probably next year. and who can look so far ahead as to all the other years. but. my heart has changed. for now. because i have a mission at home. my mission field is right here with me all the time. they are sleeping upstairs. they call me mommy also. and i'm serving. oh good gravy am i serving! i'm serving from the moment i wake until the blessed time my head hits the pillow at night. no, i'm serving Something much higher. i have an important job to do right now. i have a great calling. mommy.
as i continue to type, i look around at these boxes that need to be packed. they are big, they are overwhelming. but i understand that these boxes are just part of what needs to be done to continue my mission. every big and little thing i do each day is part of that mission. so here i sit, among these boxes.
Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. Psalm 116:7
as i laid down tonight to attempt sleep, i started to pray. and somewhere in my praying, i got a little lost. i knew that i was lost because what had started as a prayer was now a never-ending list of "to-dos". oh no! i'd gone astray! wait! back up! start over! i'm sorry, Lord! (darn-it)
and that's when i told God that i was just stressed. i'm sure He was totally shocked by this. like all the big things that i surprise Him with. actually He was just waiting on me to be honest. so, there it was. the brutal honesty. "i can't think about you Lord, because i'm too busy...." ooooo, what a painful and scary truth to reveal. there it was. the truth.
so i decided to pray for the people that came into my mind. so many friends and family. so many. and there has been a lurking thought and prayer that has been in the back of my mind. the cambodia children. the orphans. many of you know that i have a deep pull towards cambodia. i've gone with two different amazing teams for the last two years. i've met the sweetest, most precious cambodia children ever created. there are three of these children that i kinda like to call my own. Phillib, Vandam, and Nat. precious children. little loves. sweet lights. their faces pierce my memory at night. hurt my head and break my heart. they call me "mommy".
there is a new team leaving on thursday to go back over to battambang, cambodia. i would have been in that group, except for one really big thing. and one really small thing. the really big thing is that we had planned to move to london before this team took off. we should have already been there by now. we've been forced to drag our feet for all sorts of reasons. finding the flat, getting the children into a school, tying up loose ends here in the states...adoption...which leads me to the really small thing that has held me back this year. echo. i remember wrestling with God a year ago. "Lord, if you are truly asking me to take on another child, especially one from another country, how can i still serve You in cambodia". and by "serving" i meant "going"...because there are plenty of ways to serve without being the one to go. i've seen it and felt it as friends and family have supported me financially and prayerfully the years that i've gone. but i wanted to GO. i wanted to DO. why was He taking it away from me? it was a struggle. so i honestly prayed for Him to change my heart. "Lord, if this adoption goes through before the next cambodia trip and i'm unable to go, i need for you to change my heart. i'm going to be crushed if i don't get to go. if i don't get to hold those cambodia children. if i don't get to sing with them, pray with them, play with them. i have unfinished business there...." i prayed that prayer countless times, countless nights.
tonight, as i prayed for all those friends and family. i saw those three little faces of Phillib, Vandam, and little Nat. my mission. my service. so far away. too far away. at least for this year. probably next year. and who can look so far ahead as to all the other years. but. my heart has changed. for now. because i have a mission at home. my mission field is right here with me all the time. they are sleeping upstairs. they call me mommy also. and i'm serving. oh good gravy am i serving! i'm serving from the moment i wake until the blessed time my head hits the pillow at night. no, i'm serving Something much higher. i have an important job to do right now. i have a great calling. mommy.
as i continue to type, i look around at these boxes that need to be packed. they are big, they are overwhelming. but i understand that these boxes are just part of what needs to be done to continue my mission. every big and little thing i do each day is part of that mission. so here i sit, among these boxes.
Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. Psalm 116:7
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